Blest With This Life

I have been thinking a lot about the path that God has laid out for us.  A path that will lead us to heaven to be with Him if we only have faith and follow it blindly.  Most of the time we don't see the twists and turns up ahead and don't know why we are headed in one direction when we think we should be going a different way.  Although it is difficult at times, throughout these past 6 years that Jarod and I have been married, I have learned to trust...trust that God is in control and that He knows what he is doing.  The path that we have traveled so far has been filled with twists and turns, ups and down...wanting a baby, not being able to have a baby, holding the baby we'd hoped to adopt in our arms, coming home from the hospital with an empty car seat, experiencing two healthy full-term pregnancies that blest us with two beautiful boys. 

And now we've come to another twist in our path.  Last week I had a miscarriage.  We lost our third child who I had only carried for 5 or 6 short weeks.  I don't know exactly how old he or she was because I hadn't started charting again since Dominic was born.  Using Natural Family Planning charts has allowed me to know the dates that we conceived Andrew and Dominic.  I can remember where we were and what we were doing on the day God breathed life in them.  I can't say that about this child, which makes me so sad.

We found out I was pregnant two weeks ago today, Feb 23rd.  I told Jarod when he came home for lunch.  We both were smiling in disbelief.  How could I be pregnant again? Our third miracle!  Dominic would have only been about 3 1/2 to 4 months old when we conceived.  We spent the next three days rejoicing over this new life.  Many people would have probably thought we were crazy to be excited about another pregnancy so soon.  But after struggling with infertility and being faced with the reality of never having children, it's been easy to be grateful for these blessings whenever they come.  That's not to say I didn't have brief moments of panic! We would have had three children under the age of three!  Dominic and this baby would be just over a year apart!  It's hard enough to take two children out in public by myself.  How was I going to do it with three?  But these thoughts were quickly replaced with pleasant thoughts of adding another child to our family...another sibling for the boys to play with...they'd be such good friends since they are all so close in age...my little Dominic was going to be a big brother! 

That weekend we headed to Wahoo for Carla's baby shower.  Jarod and I spent the whole car ride there planning for our future.  Was our house big enough?  Who was going to share rooms...Andrew & Dominic or Dominic and baby?  Can we fit three car seats in the equinox?  Jarod is such a wonderful man.  He didn't get stressed out or talk about the burdens another child may bring.  He went straight to problem-solving mode and discussed how we would make everything work. 

Then, Saturday night I started bleeding.  By Sunday night I knew in my mind we had lost the baby, but had to wait a week for blood tests to confirm it.  I am sad for our loss.  I won't get to hold this child in my arms or discover all the things that make this child unique and special.  But for the most part I have been able to see this as a blessing.  Knowing for certain that life begins at conception brings me comfort. I read this quote from a woman who experienced multiple miscarriage and it's exactly how I feel,
"When does life begin? Conception of course. When does life begin to be important, memorable, meaningful, sacred, worth grieving over? Conception. ...Even though he lived only a few days or weeks and his life may have been destined to fail from the beginning, we did add another soul to God's people, to help His children 'number the stars' (Genesis 15:5)".  

I am so thankful that we were able to conceive again, becoming co-creators with God.  The three of us created a little soul that didn't exist before and will continue to exist for the rest of eternity.   How awesome is that!  I am so grateful to know that this child who is now in heaven, will be interceding to God for us and will be waiting to meet us when we make our way to heaven. 

For this reason we have named our child Benedict. Benedict means "blessed" which is defined as being made holy, and bestowing joy.  That is how I see our little Benedict.  He has been made holy in heaven with God and all His Angels and Saints.  Thinking about Benedict in heaven brings me great joy.

A few weeks before we lost Benedict I started praying this morning offering, "Strengthen me Jesus for all that lies ahead, the ups and downs, obstacles and opportunities.  Thank you for the gift of this day."  And so we will continue to follow the path God has laid before us, not knowing what's next, but trusting that God's plans are good.